my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
