dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
