So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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