Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
