Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
one might say we're banned from that church
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
