don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
