What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
