I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Boobs are out for the taking
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
