If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
