If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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