just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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