I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
