I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
