Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
