then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
