my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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