Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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