Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
