Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
