Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
