Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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