my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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