Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
