Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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