Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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