also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
