oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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