the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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