I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
