Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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