when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
