and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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