I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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