When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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