My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she told me i tasted like america
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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