Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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