No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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