You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
