she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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