Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
