Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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