I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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