I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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