I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize