3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They have beer where we have blood.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
