You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is the high leading the old right now
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
