Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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