he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
