my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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