You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
