why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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