my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
