News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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