I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
