you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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