we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
