mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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