You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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