Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
